Finding Grace in Postpartum
"You know, you don't have to keep doing this. You could stop today if you want to."
My mother sounded pretty worried as she gently said those words to me over the phone one evening when I was four weeks postpartum with my son. He had been having feeding issues since the day he was born, and despite his tongue and lip ties that we had discovered and very quickly resolved the week prior, he was still having a lot of trouble breastfeeding - and my supply was starting to dwindle as a result. That night, as I hiccupped my way through tears on the phone to my mother from 100 miles away, she tried to coax me into giving myself a break from trying so hard to breastfeed and just switch fully to formula. Though the breastfeeding itself was new to me, the sentiment behind her words was not - she was telling me, as she has so many other times in my life, that I should stop being so hard on myself.
Well, true to form for my stubborn *ss, I didn't listen. With the help of four medical professionals and consultants, I tried for weeks to get my son to latch with very little success before I finally gave up - largely because the bottom really dropped out of my supply at around nine weeks, and in the days that followed, I would be making just over an ounce a day to mix into my son’s formula whenever I could. After three more consecutive weekends of hours upon hours of pumping and breastfeeding attempts, I came around to my mother's advice - and told myself that I'd done my best.
The interesting thing is that my son and I really found our groove when I stopped trying to force breastfeeding as often. He was more relaxed when he knew he was just getting a bottle, probably because – and both my breastfeeding consultant and infant physical therapist confirmed this – he knew he could just settle in and eat, instead of having to struggle with latching, cry, and then not get to eat right away. After a couple of months of an almost exclusively adversarial relationship, we both started to chill around each other. And once I could see that he was happy and content, I got more confident – and I started to really enjoy it.
If you’re in that postpartum moment – or if you’re preparing for it – here are a few things I wish I’d known going into it.
Leverage those doctor appointments. Becoming a new parent opens the floodgates for well-meaning (and usually unsolicited) advice – and on top of that we have access to every kind of online platform or forum to look for advice or tips from people who have done this before. Those early doctor appointments are frequent for a reason, and since your baby doesn’t come with a manual, having those check-ins can be really helpful for the first few months in particular. I’d encourage listening to and asking as many questions as possible of your medical folks in the early days as you get to know your baby – and in the months to come, you may find yourself more confident in trusting your gut when it comes to what they need.
Ask for help. This is generally difficult for me to do, but my husband and I have gotten a lot better about asking for help from the important people in our lives – parents, extended family, and close friends – when we recognize that we need it. Help and support can take lots of different forms, from watching the baby so you can take a shower or a nap, to cooking a meal you can heat up for dinner tomorrow, to just being available for a phone call when you’ve had a stressful day.
Take some time for yourself. I know this is much, much easier said than done, but I can’t stress how big this was for me in the first few months of my son’s life. In the first 4-6 weeks or so, you’re largely in survival mode – so for me at that time, “me time” took the form of listening to podcasts while I fed him or took him for walks. Once we got to three months, my husband and I got into a routine where I would have some out-of-home time 2-3 days a week – a couple of uninterrupted hours that were mine to do what I liked. Whether it’s a family member, a sitter, a partner or a friend, asking for help to get some time for you is necessary for your own well-being – which means, by extension, it’s necessary for your family’s well-being too.
In the two and a half years since my own postpartum period, I've gotten a lot better at treating myself with a little more kindness as I navigate this new phase of my life. Giving myself grace has become one of the most important aspects of how I (attempt to) manage my life at home, at work, and with myself – and trust me, it’s still a work in progress, but I do feel as though I’ve learned a few things and gained some skills that I didn’t have before I became a parent. That’s why I started Modern Mom Mode, to share a little bit of what I’ve learned and what I’m still discovering. Thanks for reading: I hope you find something useful while you’re here!